"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm." - Steven Wright

[elvenavari]

I haven't been doing much of anything other than school work lately. I've been really depressed and I'm not really sure why. I've been listening to Chris Daughtry's song "Home" a lot and that might have something to do with it.


I'm staring out into the night
Trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain

I'm Going Home
Back to the place where I belong
And where your love has always been enough for me
I'm not running from, no I think you've got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going Home

The miles are getting longer it seems
The closer I get to you
I've not always been the best man or friend for you
But your love remains true and I don't know why
You always seem to give me another try

I'm Going Home
Back to the place where I belong
And where your love has always been enough for me
I'm not running from, no I think you've got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old

Be careful what you wish for
'Cause you might just get it all
You just might get it all and then some you don't want
Be careful what you wish for
'Cause you just might get it all
You just might get it all

I'm Going Home
Back to the place where I belong
And where your love has always been enough for me
I'm not running from, no I think you've got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
I said, these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going Home.

I really don't understand it... I really have no reason to be depressed. I am pretty much happy with the point I am at in my life right now. I think I know the plan I have to have for the beginning of the rest of my life. That includes the classes I have left to take while in college, where I need to go for graduate school, who I need to talk to... etc...

I am planning my funeral because it is part of my Death & Dying class. At first I was excited but now I'm not as excited as I was. I think that has to do with all the negativity that I have been getting from my friends about it. They all think it is morbid, especially Laura. I look at as a way to be prepared. I live with the philosophy, "Live everyday like it is your last because you never know when it will end." Some of the documents that are included will be legal when finished.

I have also been missing my friends a lot. The ones that are at home in HC... I miss them so much sometimes it hurts. I don't want to say anything to them though because I listen to them talk about how they have their own problems and how they have to listen to everyone else's problems. I don't want to burden them with my own. I often have the outlook that "my problems are my own, not everyone else's".

About two or three weekends ago I came home just because and when I was getting ready to leave my mom hugged me. She told me that she wished I didn't have to go back just yet and then I said something that shocked both her and me. "I don't want to go back either mom." She pushed me back from our hug and just stared at me. "What's wrong hun? I think that's the first time you have ever said that." "It is and I don't know." Soon after I got in my car and started the long drive back to Cumberland, thinking over what I had said I almost started crying. I really didn't want to leave home then... but I'm also happy when I'm at Cumberland.

I don't know what it means... and that scares me.