"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm." - Steven Wright

[elvenavari]

I haven't been doing much of anything other than school work lately. I've been really depressed and I'm not really sure why. I've been listening to Chris Daughtry's song "Home" a lot and that might have something to do with it.


I'm staring out into the night
Trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain

I'm Going Home
Back to the place where I belong
And where your love has always been enough for me
I'm not running from, no I think you've got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going Home

The miles are getting longer it seems
The closer I get to you
I've not always been the best man or friend for you
But your love remains true and I don't know why
You always seem to give me another try

I'm Going Home
Back to the place where I belong
And where your love has always been enough for me
I'm not running from, no I think you've got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old

Be careful what you wish for
'Cause you might just get it all
You just might get it all and then some you don't want
Be careful what you wish for
'Cause you just might get it all
You just might get it all

I'm Going Home
Back to the place where I belong
And where your love has always been enough for me
I'm not running from, no I think you've got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
I said, these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going Home.

I really don't understand it... I really have no reason to be depressed. I am pretty much happy with the point I am at in my life right now. I think I know the plan I have to have for the beginning of the rest of my life. That includes the classes I have left to take while in college, where I need to go for graduate school, who I need to talk to... etc...

I am planning my funeral because it is part of my Death & Dying class. At first I was excited but now I'm not as excited as I was. I think that has to do with all the negativity that I have been getting from my friends about it. They all think it is morbid, especially Laura. I look at as a way to be prepared. I live with the philosophy, "Live everyday like it is your last because you never know when it will end." Some of the documents that are included will be legal when finished.

I have also been missing my friends a lot. The ones that are at home in HC... I miss them so much sometimes it hurts. I don't want to say anything to them though because I listen to them talk about how they have their own problems and how they have to listen to everyone else's problems. I don't want to burden them with my own. I often have the outlook that "my problems are my own, not everyone else's".

About two or three weekends ago I came home just because and when I was getting ready to leave my mom hugged me. She told me that she wished I didn't have to go back just yet and then I said something that shocked both her and me. "I don't want to go back either mom." She pushed me back from our hug and just stared at me. "What's wrong hun? I think that's the first time you have ever said that." "It is and I don't know." Soon after I got in my car and started the long drive back to Cumberland, thinking over what I had said I almost started crying. I really didn't want to leave home then... but I'm also happy when I'm at Cumberland.

I don't know what it means... and that scares me.

Comments

[vixenofargentum.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about it. It is ok to feel that way sometimes. I understand a lot of what you mean about feeling like your life is falling into place, but still feeling an odd dissatisfaction. I think we stand at similar places in life as far as that annoying little part of undergraduate education, where you first start to feel the future coming towards you. I know it tugs at me every day. I mean, I know what I need to take to get my B.S. degrees, when I have to take GRE's, have a vague idea of what it will take for me to get my PhD, and what I think I might be doing with it. I think a lot of it is just the fact that...well life is short. I mean it does feel strange to me that I have only lived 20 years, but I still wonder what the other 70 years or so have for me, or if 70 years are big enough for me to live to my fullest. Especially when all the people around me are partying, or just doing things to live in the moment. Sometimes I just feel so old compared to everyone and it depresses me.

Oh, and one lesson that I happened to be reminded of today in a rather embarassing situation, is don't be afraid to tell anything, problematic or not, to your friends. It is hard enough to shoulder your own problems, but for some people it takes ten times as much inner strength to tell anyone how they feel. It isn't healthy to offer to carry everyone elses burdens and not lighten your own load.

But ah, if you can't tell your RL friends, that is what online friends are for, yes? Oh, us people unbiased by the taint of real-life, I know some of the people I know exclusively online have given me a lot of help. I do read your posts, even though I don't always respond. (I am relatively shy and introverted, trying to change) But, I am here if you need me. I am willing to listen far more often than I have the brainpower to update things...lj, fiction, you-name-it.

*bows* I lend you all the support I can muster. Be happy! And if possible, without medication! (yeah...I fail that one, lol) *hugs*

[avari-maethor.livejournal.com]

Just to let you know I was totally "o.O who is this?" XD Then I read your profile, still no clue until I saw 'Topsy Turvey' not sure if I spelled that right...

But thank you so much! I will be adding you to my AIM when I get back home, if I remember. If not add me and IM me sometime. It would be nice to have someone to talk to sometimes. ^_~

[javlynnwolfen.livejournal.com]

you know you can always tell me anything.

i told lisa the other day I was going to spend the whole summer with you because I missed you lol

-heart-

Things will be okay soon. When college is done and over, it will all be worth it.



"In the end, it's all nice."

[avari-maethor.livejournal.com]

Thanks Sara. ^^ You gave me the warm fuzzies. Yay.