Finally back
May. 18th, 2005 05:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvenavariWow... almost a year since I posted anything here. I found a different journal site and have been posting there but now I am going to catch you up.
I will post one or two from my other journal a day. Enjoy.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Today we went back to school after a long weekend. When I am at home I am for the most part happy because I stay locked away in my room where I can have my own thoughts and do what I want.
I know I bring it on myself by pushing people away but I guess that's what you do when you fear getting hurt. These are my two fears in life; Getting hurt, like emotionally & Being alone.
Life really sucks. All my friends or well, "girl-friends' talk about is sex or their boyfriends. I have neither so I cannot speak of those things. I find myself depending on my "boy-friends" more and more. They seem to be the only ones I am connecting with at the moment. It just seems that no one will listen and if they do they don't get it. My greatest fear as I have said is being alone... well it seems that I am living that fear.
"Lovely Ugly Brutal World"
Why am I so confused and unhappy and f*cking angry all the time? What goes on in my brain that makes everything so ugly and bad? It can't be. People say it's not. But if it's not, why is there blood on the ground, and blood on the walls... and blood on my hands? Sex is violent, pain is silent. I stand in the eye of the hurricane with carnage and body parts twisting and flying all around me. And I can't seem to move because I'm afraid to get caught in that whirlpool called Sanity.
Do you ever watch couples on the street? When they are young, they hold hands so they don't kill each other. When they are old, they hold hands so they don't fall down.
When I'm in love
It is like an ice cube
Tickling it's trail of numbness
behind. I feel queasy but
content, nervous but excited.
It is the ultimate feeling
of fear and hope combined.
When I am loved
It is like cold hands touching me.
It is pleasing but frightening.
I feel uncomfortable though I am
sitting on a fluffy pink cloud,
I feel alone.
I will post one or two from my other journal a day. Enjoy.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Today we went back to school after a long weekend. When I am at home I am for the most part happy because I stay locked away in my room where I can have my own thoughts and do what I want.
I know I bring it on myself by pushing people away but I guess that's what you do when you fear getting hurt. These are my two fears in life; Getting hurt, like emotionally & Being alone.
Life really sucks. All my friends or well, "girl-friends' talk about is sex or their boyfriends. I have neither so I cannot speak of those things. I find myself depending on my "boy-friends" more and more. They seem to be the only ones I am connecting with at the moment. It just seems that no one will listen and if they do they don't get it. My greatest fear as I have said is being alone... well it seems that I am living that fear.
"Lovely Ugly Brutal World"
Why am I so confused and unhappy and f*cking angry all the time? What goes on in my brain that makes everything so ugly and bad? It can't be. People say it's not. But if it's not, why is there blood on the ground, and blood on the walls... and blood on my hands? Sex is violent, pain is silent. I stand in the eye of the hurricane with carnage and body parts twisting and flying all around me. And I can't seem to move because I'm afraid to get caught in that whirlpool called Sanity.
Do you ever watch couples on the street? When they are young, they hold hands so they don't kill each other. When they are old, they hold hands so they don't fall down.
When I'm in love
It is like an ice cube
Tickling it's trail of numbness
behind. I feel queasy but
content, nervous but excited.
It is the ultimate feeling
of fear and hope combined.
When I am loved
It is like cold hands touching me.
It is pleasing but frightening.
I feel uncomfortable though I am
sitting on a fluffy pink cloud,
I feel alone.
