Why not celebrate the 4th with a little whine/rant?
It’s been 8 months since my last “journal” post. I’m posting this to LJ because I figure no one will really see it. I don’t really know anyone who still follows me that actively checks LJ. Yeah, I could make it a private entry but there’s something very freeing knowing that it’s out there.
So this weekend is the 4th of July. I have been invited to my uncle/aunt’s place on the river to celebrate and watch fireworks. I went last year and it was fun, my favorite part was going out on the pontoon. I don’t think we’ll get to do that this year though, we’ve had a lot of rain this past week and I’ve heard the river is quite high. When I was invited, I asked my aunt if it was okay for my Dad and his gf to come, I know the gf is a tough subject with my Mom being gone and all, hell, it’s tough for me and they’ve been going out for over a year now. But, I didn’t want to step on any toes. My aunt said it was fine and two days later my Gran called and said it was okay with her, which was a pretty big step for her. So earlier this week, I asked my Dad if they were going to come with me and he said probably not, that he just didn’t feel comfortable. In a way, I get this; it’s weird without my Mom. But in other ways I think it’s dumb. This is Mom’s family sure, but my parents were married for over 30 years, these people were Dad’s family for those years. By the end of the conversation he said “I don’t know, we might”. I hope they do because I honestly don’t want to go alone. But, I haven’t pressed it. If I have to go alone, so be it. I’ll just feel awkward by myself.
Why would I feel awkward you may wonder? Well, things changed since my Mom died. Of course they did. Some things though…not for the better. I’ve never had a good relationship with my gran, I would call it strained at best. I’m not a favorite grandkid, that honor goes to my two of my uncle’s kids. When I was younger I was in T-ball, I think my gran came to maybe one or two of my games. My uncle’s boys? She went to every single one unless it was too far away. My uncle’s girls? They have lived in St. Louis for the majority of my life but my gran would take off 2-3 weekends a month to go see them. Why does this make me feel rotten? Because I live 30 minutes away from her. A 6 hour drive vs. driving 30 minutes across the county, yeah it left me feeling like I wasn’t loved as much as them.
So, this week, Thursday to be exact, I called my great aunt (my gran’s sister who is more like my gran than my gran is) because she was supposed to have had a doctor’s appointment that day and I was calling to make sure everything was okay. Turns out it was just blood work but I didn’t know about that. So when I asked what she was doing she said she was sitting there talking to my gran and my girl cousins from St. Louis, who are in for the 4th. My response? “Oh.” Yeah, it immediately hurt because they have to drive by my house to get to my great aunt’s house and yet they didn’t bother to stop. I don’t see my cousins from St. Louis much because…well, they’re in St. Louis and they have lives there, I saw them Derby weekend for a couple of hours but before that? I don’t know. I didn’t even see them at Christmas because they were here and gone before I knew it.
Anyway, in the background I can hear my gran talking and she’s saying how she tried to call me but I didn’t answer. No one called the home phone, #1 it didn’t ring, #2 even if it did I would see it on the caller ID. I had no missed calls or voicemails on my cell phone. Now, it’s totally possible that a call wouldn’t show up, typically this happens when I don’t have service but I have anywhere from 3-4 bars where I was in my house at the time she said she tried to call. But whatever. She said they would come by on their way home. Okay. So I went around, cleaning up a little bit. Just before 7 I get a call from them. They “stayed too late” at my great aunt’s and won’t be stopping. I honestly wasn’t surprised and I tried not to be disappointed but you know what? It hurt. It still hurts. When I talked to my great aunt yesterday she asked if they stopped and I told her no, she didn’t have very nice things to say about my gran.
It’ll also be uncomfortable because I’m suspecting my other aunt will be there tonight. Hopefully she won’t confront me about my political opinions, which we have gotten into two arguments about on Facebook this year. The biggest one being over abortion and how I’m pro-choice. She thinks this is wrong and “worries for my salvation”. I will probably just say hi and move on. I’m not going to change her mind and she’s not going to change mine.
Alright, enough with my family drama. I wasn’t able to find a job for the summer this year. I’ve actually been applying for jobs that would get me away from teaching since February with no luck. I still like being in a school setting but students just don’t have respect for teachers anymore. I get so frustrated with the kids asking why they have to be in school, other than it being the law. So many aren’t interested in learning, or rather they aren’t interested in putting work into learning. I’m pretty sure most kids want you to just give them the grade without them doing the work…sorry, not how it works. At least my Dad knows that I’m trying so he hasn’t pushed the issue too much.
Back around April, my ex-boss, who I haven’t really talked to since she didn’t show up at my party last year, emailed me and told me about a English position that would be opening up at a school in a nearby county. I’d already decided that I didn’t want to teach, it’s just not for me. And, after talking to the principal at the school I was subbing at, who had taught at that school, decided it was not a place I wanted to be. Well, my ex-boss got pissed at me. She told me that I needed to move out of my Dad’s house and make my own connections. She asked me what would happen if I wanted to have “an overnight date”. #1, why would I move out to somewhere I have to pay rent when my Dad lets me live with him for free as long as I pay on my student loans and take care of things around the house? #2, that is none of her business.
As much as I don’t want to, I guess I’ll be subbing again this year. At least it pays pretty well. After just a month I should have enough to pay off about $5,000 of my loans, then I’ll just have $28,000 left. By the end of the school year, I could have enough saved up to pay off that $8,000 if I’m smart with my money.
I feel like I’ve been losing friends like crazy. I live in a very rural area, most friends I had in HS have moved away and my college friends all live at least an hour away. One person I considered a best friend stopped talking to me and I don’t know why. If I go in where she works and we see each other she acts like nothing has changed and laments on how we haven’t been able to get together. Well, I’ve texted and she never replies so at the beginning of the year, I put the ball in her court, I’m not going to beg to be someone’s friend. Another person I’ve been friends with since middle school, well, I found out she was talking about me behind my back and saying very mean things. So, I broke ties there. She’s been trying to contact me, claiming she did nothing but I can’t say anything back without giving away the person who clued me in and they’ve asked me not to. Beyond that, it’s hard to remain close to someone who lives hours away. My bestie and I make it work but I really wish we could hang out more than one day every three months or so.
I’m still watching Free! and Sailor Moon Crystal. My internet is super slow at home so it takes about 2 hours to watch one episode, averaging 3 refreshes. Of course, putting off watching for the past couple of months works to my advantage. If word is correct, SMC is going to have 26 episodes and 25 should be posted either this week or next, so I might just switch to Free! for a bit because I think it’s complete, or at least the second season is. I finished Legend of Korra, it was awesome, though I didn’t love it as much as ATLA.
I’ve finished Once Upon a Time up to S4, been waiting for it to be available on Netflix, looks like it’ll be out in August so not too much longer to wait. My cousin and I have been watching Teen Wolf; I think we’re ready for S4. I couldn’t get into Hannibal so I took it off my list. I really need to watch Sherlock.
I ended up challenging myself to 150 books this year. I’m currently on #81 for the year.
So yeah…my life isn’t too happy right now. I can only hope it gets better.
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