In Great Detail Meme: Day 19

[elvenavari]

Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail

When I was around 6 my grandfather (papa) had a stroke. He was paralyzed completely on his right side. His speech was also affected. He had a very gruff voice to begin with and after that… well he sounded a bit scary. Yes, I was afraid of him. I would only give him hugs and kisses when I was absolutely made to.

I don’t know why I became so scared of him. Before the strokes he had been nothing but a loving, doting papa. Okay, he was a little crazy, he tried to run me over with his truck a few times but it was all in good fun. I knew he’d never actually hit me. But he bought me candy bars every time we went to the store and little toys. I was his “baby”. He was always asking, even after his strokes, “Where’s that baby?”

So that’s one regret, being afraid of him.

My second regret also deals with my papa.

When he passed away my mom told me that my dad was taking it really hard so I needed to be a big girl and be strong for him. In my child’s mind I thought “being strong” meant I couldn’t cry. So I went to my great-grandmother and cried with her until mom came and told me that dad was coming in.

I wiped my tears away and pulled it together. When my dad came in the house I ran and hugged him with all my might. He cried into my shoulder and I wanted to cry so bad but I didn’t.

At the funeral I kept telling myself not to cry. I had to be strong for my dad. I had to be strong for my nana. I was convinced that I saw my papa’s chest moving, which meant that he was alive and not really dead. I told my nana this and she just cried and said, “I know it looks that way baby.”

During the service I had to keep blinking back tears but I never once cried.

It is something I will always regret.

Day 20 – This month, in great detail
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 – A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail

Comments

[ingrid44.livejournal.com]

I had to take the call when my Grandma died - my Mother was away on vacation. I flew home and it was we, her grandchildren who arranged the entire service. My uncle was a total wreck at the loss of his Mother and he just allowed us to select her casket, put the annoucement in the town paper, everything except set the date of the burial.
When my Mom and her sister flew home, they bought an outfit to dress her in and to set the date for her service. But they accepted all the other arrangements we had made.
At the grave site we sang AMAZING GRACE and that's when I lost it Grandma always hummed that hymn, sitting in her rocking chair late in the evening. Years later I still cry whenever some sings that hymn - it was hers.