Original: The First Christmas
Dec. 22nd, 2010 03:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvenavariTitle: The First Christmas
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
avari_maethor
Summary: At 32 Andrew never thought he would be experiencing his first Christmas… but here he was.
Rating: PG
Warning: Slash. Male/Male.
Disclaimer: None, all characters/situations are original.
Beta: The ever awesomeladyshadowdrake.
Dedication: This Christmas story is dedicated to the members of markaroederfans on Yahoo! Some of these members really encouraged me last year, especially Mark himself. Thanks guys, the encouragement means so much.
The First Christmas
January.
The windshield wipers glided back and forth across the glass, swiping the heavily falling snow away with each pass. On the radio David Bowie sang about his ‘China Girl’ and I hummed along. Now that our families were three states away I could really relax. Everyone had wanted to know when my next book would be coming out or the next time one of Zack’s photos would be featured in National Geographic. It was a relief to almost be at our cabin in the mountains where my writing and Zack’s photography could be forgotten about for just awhile longer.
The heater rattled until Zack made a fist and brought it down on the dash. The rattling stopped and he glanced at me, giving me that smile I loved so much before taking my hand. His thumb calloused, caused by spending so many days hiking and climbing outside to get just the right shots, stroked the skin between my thumb and forefinger. I returned his smile and he raised my hand to his lips.
I was just about to scold Zack about not keeping his eyes on the road, especially when the weather was so bad, but before I could get the words out bright headlights came around the curve ahead of us. Zack dropped my hand and blinked against the bright lights as he flicked his lights from bright to dim, hoping the other driver would do the same. The headlights only grew brighter and Zack cursed when he realized they were coming right for us.
“Shit! Hold on baby!” He turned the wheel but on the slick roads the tires just slid. His frightened green eyes met mine just before the other car hit.
I heard the sound of crunching metal, of the glass breaking…of Zack screaming… and then my head hit the doorframe and there was nothing else.
---
February.
The first thing I became aware of when I woke was the steady sound of beeping. Beep…beep…beep… over and over again, it was sort of a comforting rhythm. The second thing was when I blinked; I was blinded by the brightest light I had ever seen. I closed my eyes against it and attempted to groan but that was when I realized something was down my throat. I felt a moment of panic but couldn’t lift my arms.
“Drew?”
I blinked tears away and looked to my left where the voice had come from. My brother, Daniel, was there, his eyes hopeful and afraid, when he saw that I had responded he jumped up out of his chair. His smile was so wide I thought his face might crack.
“Drew? Oh Drew you’re awake! You’re finally awake! I have to tell mom, the doctor… stay right there, don’t try to move!”
He ran out of my line of sight and I was left wondering where he had gone, why he was so excited, where I was, and above all else, where was Zack?
I don’t know how long I waited for someone to return. It seemed like eternity but really it was probably only a few minutes. Daniel returned with a doctor and my mother in tow. My mother started crying the moment she saw I was awake. I wanted to ask my questions but I still had something I couldn’t see down my throat.
The doctor was all business. He pulled out his ophthalmoscope and shined the light in my eyes. The only reason I knew what that thing was called was because I had played with making one of my characters a doctor, but he ended up as a photographer… sue me; I have a soft spot for them. The light was bright and I blinked after he had moved the light.
“Your vitals look good, Mr. Archer.” The doctor wanted to continue but he was wrong. The beeping that I had heard earlier sped up.
“What’s wrong?” My mother demanded. “Why did his heart rate speed up?”
“I’m not sure,” the doctor answered, looking at the various machines.
“Why not ask Drew?” Daniel suggested.
YES! Thank you, Daniel! He put a small pad of paper under my left hand and positioned a pen over it. I realized just as they came in that my right hand was in a cast. I couldn’t write as well with my left hand but it would have to do. Very sloppily I wrote Moss. Daniel took the pad away when I was done and read it. He frowned but I could tell it was his ‘I’m worried’ frown.
“What does it say?” The doctor questioned.
“Moss. His last name is Moss.”
“But my chart says…”
“Andrew and Zack got married two years ago in San Francisco. He took Zack’s last name which was Moss.”
I stared at Daniel. He said was. What happened?! Where was Zack?! The beeping went crazy again and before I knew it the doctor was inserting something into one of my IV lines. The beeping slowed and I had to fight to keep my eyes open. I could barely hear what the doctor was saying.
“…sedative…sleep…tube out…hoarse…two weeks…”
---
When I woke again my throat felt raw. I tried swallowing, but it was too dry. Some how Daniel knew just what I needed without me making any sound and got me a cup of water. The water helped, when he took the straw away I swallowed with more ease.
“Just whisper when you try to speak. Dr. Evans said it would be a couple of days before you’d get full use of your throat back,” Daniel said. He ran his fingers through my hair and I sighed at the comfort of the motion. Zack always did… wait! Zack!
“…Zack…” I whispered.
Daniel’s fingers stilled and he looked at me sadly. “I’m sorry Drew… he didn’t make it.”
I stared at him. He was lying… he had to be… Zack couldn’t be dead. H-he couldn’t! “No…”
“It was a drunk driver… and the snow. The other car hit on Zack’s side and you were slammed against a tree. They air lifted you both to the hospital… Zack died on the way and they couldn’t bring him back. We… we almost lost you. You’ve been in a coma for three weeks.”
I swallowed, my throat felt tight. “And… and the other driver?”
“Drew…”
“Tell me.”
“He had a broken arm and a concussion.”
And that was when tears flooded my eyes. I wanted to scream…to die. But I could only cry. Daniel held my hand trying to sooth me but at the same time letting me cry because he knew I needed it. I asked why, why God had taken Zack and not the drunk, why he hadn’t been killed instantly, just… why?
---
August.
I don’t know how he pulled it off but Daniel arranged with his boss to have six months off. I know he explained it to me but… there’s a lot I don’t remember about the past six months. All I know is I was in the hospital for another two after coming out of my coma, I had two hours of physical therapy a day until I was released, and then we went to the mountain cabin instead of Zack an-…I mean, my apartment.
Daniel said the apartment had too many memories for me to start my recovery there. He went and got things he thought I would really need and brought it all to the cabin. I honestly don’t think anyone has a better brother. He was there while I was depressed, when I got angry and now he’s out getting groceries before heading back to his home tomorrow. For the past few weeks he’s been having me do more around the cabin so I would know how to take care of myself once he’s gone. It’s not that I’m helpless, I know how to do quite a few things, but Zack took care of a lot of stuff for us.
I am nervous about tomorrow. Not only was Daniel leaving, but I was returning to our-my apartment. I don’t think I will ever get used to referring to the things that had been ours for the past fifteen years as just… mine. I also hadn’t been able to write a word since we had arrived at the cabin. Not good for a writer… especially one with offers. My agent was an understanding guy, he knew I needed time to recover but now that the six month mark passed, he was starting to press a bit more.
Thankfully, I had a stockpile of Zack’s photographs that I could sell if it came down to it. Zack kept so many of his photographs… he had at least three file cabinets filled with them. No, I would never need to worry about money because Zack’s photographs were very popular. God, I missed him.
Daniel was very careful with me, watching what he said in case it brought back any memories of Zack. He started saying more once he thought I could handle it more, like I said, no one has a better brother. We were at the cabin a month before I realized that I missed Zack’s birthday, I was still unconscious at the time. I also missed his funeral. When Daniel figured out what was bothering me, he went out and got Zack a cake. We actually had a belated birthday party for my dead husband. Some might think that’s a little strange but it really helped me; for a moment I felt like Zack was there. Daniel also offered to take me to the cemetery but that was something I couldn’t do.
“Drew, I’m back!” Daniel called.
“Be right there!” I put the picture I was holding of Zack and myself back on the fireplace mantel. I stared at Zack’s frozen face for a moment before I turned and went to the kitchen.
---
September.
I jumped at the knock on the door. I hadn’t had any visitors in over a week and wasn’t expecting anyone. Putting down the book that I wasn’t really reading, I stood and went to the door. I looked through the peep hole and saw a postman waiting on the other side. Odd… the mail had already come hours ago.
I unlocked the door and opened it. “Andrew Moss?” The postman asked.
“That’s me.”
He held a card sized envelope out to me. “The post office wanted to apologize; this letter was lost behind the sorter machine and was just recently found. I’m sorry if this mishap caused any inconvenience.”
“No, thank...” My eyes landed on the name in the upper left hand corner of the envelope. “…you.”
“Good day sir.”
I nodded and closed the door. Zack Moss. That was the name in the upper left hand corner. This was a letter from Zack! I looked at the postmark; it was postmarked locally for his birthday. He must have mailed it while we were at my parent’s after Christmas… “Oh, Zack…”
I wanted to but couldn’t bring myself to open the letter yet. I took it to the kitchen and propped it against the pepper and salt shakers. It almost felt wrong, propping Zack’s letter against the place that the… other letter rested. When I arrived home two months earlier there was a letter from him. I can’t tell you the number of times I had almost ripped up the letter from the man who killed Zack… but something had always stopped me. Someday I would open and read it’s contents but until then it would stay where it had for the past two months.
Looking at the letter from him filled me with anger, so I turned away. My stomach grumbled with hunger as I stared at the stove, forcing back tears of anger and sadness. That grumble was a reminder that I hadn’t eaten breakfast and needed to eat something. I sighed; the hunger was there but not the will. I needed to eat, I had lost nearly fifteen pounds while in the hospital and during my recovery (though not due to the lock of Daniel trying).
…Eat…
I barely heard the whisper but a shiver went down my spine and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I looked around but of course I was alone. I knew I heard the whisper, though barely, but it was there.
It wasn’t the first time I’d heard it. During my recovery I often heard little whispers. At first I thought it was Daniel trying to make me laugh but he just looked at me oddly when I mentioned it. After he suggested taking me back to the hospital I didn’t mention it again. The whispers were never anything life altering, they weren’t the secrets to the universe… just simple things like the reminder to eat.
Another chill caused me to shiver again I turned the air up so it would cut off. The chills would not leave me alone until I did what the whisper said, so I fixed a sandwich. Before I knew it, I had eaten the whole sandwich and a snack bag of chips. I guess I was more hungry than I thought.
---
October.
I was slowly getting better. I still missed Zack like crazy, especially at night when I was laying in bed alone. The smell of his cologne on his pillow was starting to fade. I was tempted to spray a bit on the fabric, but when I was standing there holding the bottle ready… I had heard another of those whispers.
…No… it said.
Maybe I was crazy for listening to the whispers. I don’t know. I just know it has always been right. I put the bottle of Zack’s cologne back in the spot where he always kept it.
---
I shifted the two brown paper bags full of groceries in my arms as I left the store. I stopped the home delivery three weeks before, after much prodding from Daniel over the phone. I actually liked getting out and doing these little things. It was also an easy way to ignore the phone calls from my editor. I still hadn’t had any inspiration. I wasn’t as bothered by this as my editor. Honestly I don’t care if I ever write again.
…Lair…
I pulled my jacket closer at the chill that came with the whispered word. “I am not a liar!” I mumbled. Shit…I was answering the voice. Maybe I was going crazy.
…No…
I swear it sounded amused. I shook my head as I dug in my pocket for my keys. I just stepped off the sidewalk to cross the street when a strong tug on the back of my jacket made me stumble backward and fall on my butt still clutching my grocery bags. “What the hell?!” I exclaimed. Just then a truck roared past not taking any heed of the stop sign. I stared at the spot in the middle of the crosswalk where I would have been if I hadn’t been pulled back. I would have been hit by that truck.
“Hey! Andrew, are you okay, dude?”
I looked up and saw Corey, my neighbor from two doors down. He was looking at me with concern. Corey was the one who always checked on me if he didn’t see me for a couple of days. Then I realized Corey was still waiting for an answer.
“Uh, yeah, I’m fine. Were you the one who pulled me back?”
Corey offered me a hand up and I took it. “No dude, I was just walking up the walk when I saw you stumble back. That was a lucky stumble too, that truck wasn’t stopping for anything. You sure you’re okay?”
I nodded. “Just a little sore where I landed. Thanks Corey.”
“No problem. Oh dude! We’re having a heated game of poker Friday night! You in?” He questioned excitedly.
Zack and I had always gone to Corey’s poker nights. I hadn’t been since… “Yeah,” I answered with a smile. “I’m in. Your place?”
“Yup! Well I gotta go. See ya then, if not before.”
“See ya.” I watched him walk away, his head bobbing to a beat only he could hear. I smiled and shook my head. Corey was and always would be a character.
---
Halloween.
This sucked. I mean s-u-c-k-e-d. Even before I met Zack I didn’t see myself alone at 32. But here I was, alone romantically and physically on our anniversary for the first time since Zack’s death. I had been doing really good. I didn’t think it would be this hard.
Just as I wiped my eyes and blew my nose a knock came at the door. I glared at the door and thought about ignoring it. It wasn’t Corey; he had already been by and invited me to a Halloween party. There was only one person I wanted to see and that wasn’t going to happen. The knock on came again.
…Answer it…
I wanted to tell the voice to mind its own business but maybe this was its business. With a sigh I got to my feet and went to the door. I checked the peep hole and had to do a double take before I pulled the door open and threw myself into Daniel’s arms. I sobbed into his shoulder as he hugged me back and stroked my hair.
“W-Wh-What are y-you doing h-here?” I blubbered once I could pull away.
Daniel smiled at me. “I thought you could use a friend tonight.”
I shook my head as I smiled, more tears falling though this time from happiness. How did he do it? “Have I told you that you’re the best brother ever?”
Daniel held up a finger. “Hold that for when you see what I brought you.”
I wiped my tears away and looked at him curiously. “You brought me something?”
He bent and picked up a box that had holes and a bow wrapped around it. “Call it an anniversary present. Zack and I talked about this a couple of times. I didn’t think you needed it before but now you do.”
Now I was really curious. I stepped back to let him in, grabbing the other bag sitting outside once he was in. I followed Daniel to the living room where he set the present on the coffee table. When Daniel stepped back and the box moved on its own I looked at him.
“Open it,” he urged.
I sat on the couch and put my hands on the box. It was shaking, or rather wiggling. I knew in the back of my mind that it had to be an animal of some sort. When I untied the ribbon and pulled the box lid off and a puppy with the biggest brown eyes I had ever seen popped up, I was still surprised. I was also instantly in love. Zack and I often talked about getting a dog or even a cat, but it never worked out.
The puppy, besides its big brown eyes, was white with light caramel markings over most of its face and a spot on its back. It propped its front paws up on the edge of the box, tail wagging. The box started to tip over but I grabbed the puppy and cradled it to my chest. I chuckled as it immediately started to lick my chin.
“She’s a pocket beagle, around twelve weeks old, already fixed and had her shot but not completely house broken yet,” Daniel said as he watched us with a smile.
“Does she have a name?”
“That honor is all yours little brother.”
I adjusted my grip on the puppy and held her up. She wiggled and licked my nose causing me to smile. “Lily.” The puppy barked and licked my nose again. “I think we have a winner.”
“Lily,” Daniel tested. “A beautiful name for a beautiful pup.”
I brought Lily back to my chest, scratching her behind the ears. “She’ll be an okay apartment dog?”
“She’ll be a little energetic but two walks a day and playing with her will be fine.”
“Good. I love her Danny, thank you.”
“Anything for my little bro. Tomorrow we’ll go out and get everything she needs. The breeder sent a couple of extra puppy pads until you get her trained,” Daniel explained.
“How long are you staying?” I asked, setting Lily down so she could explore her new home.
“Just the weekend. I have to be back for work on Monday,” Daniel answered.
“Are you hungry?”
“Starving.”
“Spaghetti?”
“Spaghetti.” Lily barked her agreement and we laughed.
That night I marveled at the feeling of Lily’s warm little body curled up against mine. Her heart beat so quickly but there was a certain comfort in it. For the first time in months I fell asleep smiling.
---
December.
“Honey, I really wish you would reconsider. I know since you moved to Denver you haven’t actually spent Christmas with the family… but things are different this year.”
I listened to my mother go on for the hundredth time about how I should fly out sooner this year. Since getting our apartment in Denver, Zack and I always spent Christmas there and then flew to Portland (weather permitting) to spend three weeks with our families. Our time at home during the holidays was spent doing hours of community service. It was something I didn’t want to… and couldn’t, change this year.
“No mom. Lily and I are going to put up the tree and other decorations tonight. Tomorrow we’re going to visit kids at the hospital, and tomorrow night I’m going caroling with some friends. Christmas Eve is reserved for delivering Angel Tree gifts during the day and serving Christmas dinner to the homeless at night. On Christmas Day I’m going to church.”
She knew all of this, it was the same every year but she never failed to try and change it. Of course this year there was going to be one minor change but I already decided not to tell her about that. She would only worry more than she already was.
She sighed heavily, knowing she wasn’t going to change my mind. “Alright… but if you change your mind…”
I smiled in spite of myself. “I know mom. I love you.”
“I love you too Andrew.”
---
Christmas Day.
The moment Lily saw me pick up my keys she scrambled to her feet and came padding up to me with her leash in her mouth, tail wagging. I smiled and knelt down, scratching her behind the ears. My little puppy had grown so much in the past two months. I took the leash from her and put it on the table.
“No walk right now girl. We’ll go when I get back, okay?” Lily whined and tipped her head to the side. I could almost hear her asking if I was okay. “I’m fine Lils, this is just something I need to do by myself. I’ll take you soon.” Standing straight I checked my jacket pocket. Zack’s letter, still unopened, was smooth against my fingers. “I’ll be back in about an hour. Sit. Stay.”
Lily sat back on her hunches her brown eyes boring into my own. Some people may think it’s stupid to talk to a dog like they can understand you. But I believed that Lily really did understand me. I patted her head once more before leaving and locking the door. As the lock slid home I could hear her whining on the other side. The sound broke my heart but this was something I needed to do alone.
---
The bell over the door jingled lightly as I entered the store. The strong smell of flowers met my nose and I sniffed the urge to sneeze away. I brushed the snow off my shoulders as I walked to the counter in the back. An older man with kind eyes came out of the back room.
“Ah, Mr. Moss! I have your order all ready. Do you need a card or anything?” He questioned going to a refrigerated storage rack to get my order. Zack and I had often come to this shop in the past to order flowers for various occasions for the women in our lives.
“No, sir. How much do I owe you?” I asked, taking out my wallet. The older man returned with the wreath of white lilies. I just stood there for a moment as he laid it on the counter in front of me. It was beautiful… I reached out and ran my fingers along one of the petals. Then I realized that I had been so enraptured by the beauty of the wreath that I hadn’t heard the older man’s reply. “I’m sorry?”
He gave me a sad sort of smile. “Eighty even.”
I handed him the money and picked up the wreath. “Thank you.”
“Please come again.” I nodded and started to walk away. “Mr. Moss.” I turned, thinking maybe I had forgotten something, though I wasn’t sure what that would be. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Now it was my turn to smile sadly. “So am I.”
---
The gate that separated the cemetery from the street gave a high squeak as I pushed it open and closed it behind me. I looked around as the snow fell lightly around me, only adding more to the five inches that was already on the ground. The moon occasionally shone through the clouds, giving everything a sort of surreal look… a true winter wonderland.
I glanced around the graveyard. I wasn’t exactly sure where to go. It was the first time I had stepped foot on the grounds. Zack’s funeral was ten months before… I was in the hospital and after that… I just couldn’t bring myself to come. I hadn’t been ready to really say goodbye.
I still wasn’t completely ready but somehow it felt right. And as I’ve said, it’s something I needed to do. I switched the hand holding the wreath as I looked around. There wasn’t a sign or anything to tell me where to go.
…Right…
I jumped. It had been a few weeks since I last heard the voice. I couldn’t distinguish the shiver that usually came with it but I knew it was there. Taking a deep breath I walked up the initial path and made a right, following the voice’s directions.
…Left…
I kept walking, nearly slipping a couple of times. Someone had been here, recently, and put salt on the sidewalks but it was still slick. I passed a fresh grave and paused for a moment, silently mourning for the family who lost someone so close to Christmas. At least I had had nearly a year to prepare myself for this.
…Ahead and to the right…
I moved past the fresh grave to follow this new instruction. I somehow knew that the voice was leading me to Zack’s grave. That was a good thing because Daniel never told me where it was. He offered to take me, more than once, but it just wasn’t time. I looked down to watch where I was stepping and then…the sidewalk just ended.
I looked up and found myself surrounded by five tombstones. On my left; Cage and Lane. On my right; Collins and Ellis. And in the middle… Moss. My eyes instantly filled with tears. “Zack…”
Zack Moss
B. 2/26/1977
D. 1/20/2010
Beloved friend, loving husband
On the right side of the black stone my name and the places for my birth and death date were there. Two rings interlinked in the middle of our names. My eyes widened and tears fell. Daniel had gotten a stone for the both of us. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to punch my brother or kiss him.
…Kiss…
I choked out a sob, smiling in spite of myself. The voice was right. The next time I saw my brother I would kiss him, and probably cry. Doing my best to gather my composure I propped the wreath of white lilies against the tombstone. I turned it until I was satisfied with its positioning. Standing straight I stared at the grave, my hand going into my pocket, gloves brushing against the envelope of Zack’s letter.
I sighed. “No use putting it off any longer…” Taking the letter out of my pocket I slowly ran my finger along the seam, tearing it open. Pulling the folded paper out, I slid the envelope back into my pocket. I took a deep breath and unfolded the letter. I hadn’t realized until then but my hands were shaking.
Hey Baby,
Yeah… real romantic way to start a letter I know. Let me try again!
As we grow older together, as we continue to change with age, there is one thing that will never change. . . I will always keep falling in love with you.
I read that recently and it made me think of you. Honestly, I knew I loved you the moment I stepped into Mr. Lane’s eighth grade English class and saw your face. You were so adorable with your messy brown hair hanging in your blue eyes, and your glasses! You looked like a mini version of that wizard kid that is so popular now.
I spent months, years hoping you felt the same. But you were so shy, always buried in those stories you wrote. You would barely give me the time of day! And then that Halloween party in our junior year came. I guess being behind a mask made you braver. Boy did you look cute under that Carnivalé mask! I wouldn’t have known it was you except for those blue eyes. You have the most beautiful blue eyes, but I’ve told you that before.
That quote’s true, you know. Everyday that we spend together I find myself falling in love with you all over again. I never want to picture my life without you. I hope you never have to live without me either. I think that would hurt you as much as losing you would me.
Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and I just lay there and watch you sleep. I think about how lucky I am to have you in my life, how God must have been listening to my prayers for someone like you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Uh-oh, you just walked in the door from getting the mail. You’re looking to see if you got a letter about your new book from the publishing company so you haven’t seen me writing this yet. I’m not much of a writer, that’s your area. I capture beauty on film and digitally. But I had to write this out just so you would know. Consider this a late Christmas present since you should get it after we get back from the cabin.
Love always.
Zack
P/S: I know you hate having your picture taken but sometimes I just can’t resist. In the very back of the first file cabinet of my photography, second drawer, there is a file labeled ‘Time’. It’s my file of all the pictures I’ve taken of you.
I can barely read the words by the time I’ve finished reading the letter. Tears are falling from my eyes and snot from my nose. I sobbed and sniffled, trying to compose myself but not doing a good job of it. Why had Zack written me this? This was the sort of letter someone wrote when they knew they were going to die, Zack hadn’t… couldn’t have known. But Zack was always one to be prepared for anything and he had always been a romantic.
“Damnit Zack!” I exclaimed going to my knees in the snow. “Why did you have to be such a fucking romantic! Why did you have to die?! Why did you have to leave me! I don’t want to be alone…”
…Not alone…
I choked on my tears and wiped my nose on my glove. The whisper was more clear this time. It sounded like… but it couldn’t be… “…Zack?”
Nothing answered me but the wind and snow swirling around me. I wasn’t crazy. Sure I had been hearing this voice for months now and sometimes I talked back to it… and I talked to my dog like she was a person… but I was not crazy! That had been Zack’s voice. I had been able to hear it perfectly that time.
What did he mean that I wasn’t alone? Was he really there with me? I looked around wildly, expecting to see him but I was the only live soul in the cemetery. I thought back to the other whispers I had heard. To the time something… or someone had saved me from being hit by that truck. Lily often seemed like she was looking at something in the apartment, she would bark and wag her tail at nothing, but never growl. “Was that you Zack?” I whispered. “Are you helping me to…” My throat tightened at the next words. “…to get over you?”
Silence was my only answer.
---
I breathed deep as I was pulled out of sleep by a heavy but comforting weight being laid over me. I blinked a couple of times at the back of the couch and then glanced down. The blanket that had been lying at the end of the couch was draped over me. I turned slightly, my eyebrows knitting in confusion.
“Lily?” I asked quietly. I heard her tail thump against the arm of couch at my feet but knew she couldn’t have unfolded and spread the blanket over me. Had I done it in my sleep? I saw something, or at least I thought I did out the corner of my eye. Turning a bit more I blinked blurrily at the lit Christmas tree and everything in between.
Zack, at least what looked like a faint outline of him, sat on the coffee table watching me. I think he smiled at me. I know I smiled back as he faded and I snuggled back under the blanket.
“Merry Christmas Zack.” I whispered as sleep claimed me again and I know, wherever he is, Zack heard me.
The End.
A/N: I've been told that this comes across as... creepy. I assure you, that was not my intent when I came up with and started writing this idea. Personally, I don't find it creepy. One of the biggest things that strikes me when we lose a loved one is how we want to know that they are okay and vice versa. Hopefully this takes away from the creeper factor.
Author:
avari_maethorSummary: At 32 Andrew never thought he would be experiencing his first Christmas… but here he was.
Rating: PG
Warning: Slash. Male/Male.
Disclaimer: None, all characters/situations are original.
Beta: The ever awesome
ladyshadowdrake. Dedication: This Christmas story is dedicated to the members of markaroederfans on Yahoo! Some of these members really encouraged me last year, especially Mark himself. Thanks guys, the encouragement means so much.
January.
The windshield wipers glided back and forth across the glass, swiping the heavily falling snow away with each pass. On the radio David Bowie sang about his ‘China Girl’ and I hummed along. Now that our families were three states away I could really relax. Everyone had wanted to know when my next book would be coming out or the next time one of Zack’s photos would be featured in National Geographic. It was a relief to almost be at our cabin in the mountains where my writing and Zack’s photography could be forgotten about for just awhile longer.
The heater rattled until Zack made a fist and brought it down on the dash. The rattling stopped and he glanced at me, giving me that smile I loved so much before taking my hand. His thumb calloused, caused by spending so many days hiking and climbing outside to get just the right shots, stroked the skin between my thumb and forefinger. I returned his smile and he raised my hand to his lips.
I was just about to scold Zack about not keeping his eyes on the road, especially when the weather was so bad, but before I could get the words out bright headlights came around the curve ahead of us. Zack dropped my hand and blinked against the bright lights as he flicked his lights from bright to dim, hoping the other driver would do the same. The headlights only grew brighter and Zack cursed when he realized they were coming right for us.
“Shit! Hold on baby!” He turned the wheel but on the slick roads the tires just slid. His frightened green eyes met mine just before the other car hit.
I heard the sound of crunching metal, of the glass breaking…of Zack screaming… and then my head hit the doorframe and there was nothing else.
February.
The first thing I became aware of when I woke was the steady sound of beeping. Beep…beep…beep… over and over again, it was sort of a comforting rhythm. The second thing was when I blinked; I was blinded by the brightest light I had ever seen. I closed my eyes against it and attempted to groan but that was when I realized something was down my throat. I felt a moment of panic but couldn’t lift my arms.
“Drew?”
I blinked tears away and looked to my left where the voice had come from. My brother, Daniel, was there, his eyes hopeful and afraid, when he saw that I had responded he jumped up out of his chair. His smile was so wide I thought his face might crack.
“Drew? Oh Drew you’re awake! You’re finally awake! I have to tell mom, the doctor… stay right there, don’t try to move!”
He ran out of my line of sight and I was left wondering where he had gone, why he was so excited, where I was, and above all else, where was Zack?
I don’t know how long I waited for someone to return. It seemed like eternity but really it was probably only a few minutes. Daniel returned with a doctor and my mother in tow. My mother started crying the moment she saw I was awake. I wanted to ask my questions but I still had something I couldn’t see down my throat.
The doctor was all business. He pulled out his ophthalmoscope and shined the light in my eyes. The only reason I knew what that thing was called was because I had played with making one of my characters a doctor, but he ended up as a photographer… sue me; I have a soft spot for them. The light was bright and I blinked after he had moved the light.
“Your vitals look good, Mr. Archer.” The doctor wanted to continue but he was wrong. The beeping that I had heard earlier sped up.
“What’s wrong?” My mother demanded. “Why did his heart rate speed up?”
“I’m not sure,” the doctor answered, looking at the various machines.
“Why not ask Drew?” Daniel suggested.
YES! Thank you, Daniel! He put a small pad of paper under my left hand and positioned a pen over it. I realized just as they came in that my right hand was in a cast. I couldn’t write as well with my left hand but it would have to do. Very sloppily I wrote Moss. Daniel took the pad away when I was done and read it. He frowned but I could tell it was his ‘I’m worried’ frown.
“What does it say?” The doctor questioned.
“Moss. His last name is Moss.”
“But my chart says…”
“Andrew and Zack got married two years ago in San Francisco. He took Zack’s last name which was Moss.”
I stared at Daniel. He said was. What happened?! Where was Zack?! The beeping went crazy again and before I knew it the doctor was inserting something into one of my IV lines. The beeping slowed and I had to fight to keep my eyes open. I could barely hear what the doctor was saying.
“…sedative…sleep…tube out…hoarse…two weeks…”
When I woke again my throat felt raw. I tried swallowing, but it was too dry. Some how Daniel knew just what I needed without me making any sound and got me a cup of water. The water helped, when he took the straw away I swallowed with more ease.
“Just whisper when you try to speak. Dr. Evans said it would be a couple of days before you’d get full use of your throat back,” Daniel said. He ran his fingers through my hair and I sighed at the comfort of the motion. Zack always did… wait! Zack!
“…Zack…” I whispered.
Daniel’s fingers stilled and he looked at me sadly. “I’m sorry Drew… he didn’t make it.”
I stared at him. He was lying… he had to be… Zack couldn’t be dead. H-he couldn’t! “No…”
“It was a drunk driver… and the snow. The other car hit on Zack’s side and you were slammed against a tree. They air lifted you both to the hospital… Zack died on the way and they couldn’t bring him back. We… we almost lost you. You’ve been in a coma for three weeks.”
I swallowed, my throat felt tight. “And… and the other driver?”
“Drew…”
“Tell me.”
“He had a broken arm and a concussion.”
And that was when tears flooded my eyes. I wanted to scream…to die. But I could only cry. Daniel held my hand trying to sooth me but at the same time letting me cry because he knew I needed it. I asked why, why God had taken Zack and not the drunk, why he hadn’t been killed instantly, just… why?
August.
I don’t know how he pulled it off but Daniel arranged with his boss to have six months off. I know he explained it to me but… there’s a lot I don’t remember about the past six months. All I know is I was in the hospital for another two after coming out of my coma, I had two hours of physical therapy a day until I was released, and then we went to the mountain cabin instead of Zack an-…I mean, my apartment.
Daniel said the apartment had too many memories for me to start my recovery there. He went and got things he thought I would really need and brought it all to the cabin. I honestly don’t think anyone has a better brother. He was there while I was depressed, when I got angry and now he’s out getting groceries before heading back to his home tomorrow. For the past few weeks he’s been having me do more around the cabin so I would know how to take care of myself once he’s gone. It’s not that I’m helpless, I know how to do quite a few things, but Zack took care of a lot of stuff for us.
I am nervous about tomorrow. Not only was Daniel leaving, but I was returning to our-my apartment. I don’t think I will ever get used to referring to the things that had been ours for the past fifteen years as just… mine. I also hadn’t been able to write a word since we had arrived at the cabin. Not good for a writer… especially one with offers. My agent was an understanding guy, he knew I needed time to recover but now that the six month mark passed, he was starting to press a bit more.
Thankfully, I had a stockpile of Zack’s photographs that I could sell if it came down to it. Zack kept so many of his photographs… he had at least three file cabinets filled with them. No, I would never need to worry about money because Zack’s photographs were very popular. God, I missed him.
Daniel was very careful with me, watching what he said in case it brought back any memories of Zack. He started saying more once he thought I could handle it more, like I said, no one has a better brother. We were at the cabin a month before I realized that I missed Zack’s birthday, I was still unconscious at the time. I also missed his funeral. When Daniel figured out what was bothering me, he went out and got Zack a cake. We actually had a belated birthday party for my dead husband. Some might think that’s a little strange but it really helped me; for a moment I felt like Zack was there. Daniel also offered to take me to the cemetery but that was something I couldn’t do.
“Drew, I’m back!” Daniel called.
“Be right there!” I put the picture I was holding of Zack and myself back on the fireplace mantel. I stared at Zack’s frozen face for a moment before I turned and went to the kitchen.
September.
I jumped at the knock on the door. I hadn’t had any visitors in over a week and wasn’t expecting anyone. Putting down the book that I wasn’t really reading, I stood and went to the door. I looked through the peep hole and saw a postman waiting on the other side. Odd… the mail had already come hours ago.
I unlocked the door and opened it. “Andrew Moss?” The postman asked.
“That’s me.”
He held a card sized envelope out to me. “The post office wanted to apologize; this letter was lost behind the sorter machine and was just recently found. I’m sorry if this mishap caused any inconvenience.”
“No, thank...” My eyes landed on the name in the upper left hand corner of the envelope. “…you.”
“Good day sir.”
I nodded and closed the door. Zack Moss. That was the name in the upper left hand corner. This was a letter from Zack! I looked at the postmark; it was postmarked locally for his birthday. He must have mailed it while we were at my parent’s after Christmas… “Oh, Zack…”
I wanted to but couldn’t bring myself to open the letter yet. I took it to the kitchen and propped it against the pepper and salt shakers. It almost felt wrong, propping Zack’s letter against the place that the… other letter rested. When I arrived home two months earlier there was a letter from him. I can’t tell you the number of times I had almost ripped up the letter from the man who killed Zack… but something had always stopped me. Someday I would open and read it’s contents but until then it would stay where it had for the past two months.
Looking at the letter from him filled me with anger, so I turned away. My stomach grumbled with hunger as I stared at the stove, forcing back tears of anger and sadness. That grumble was a reminder that I hadn’t eaten breakfast and needed to eat something. I sighed; the hunger was there but not the will. I needed to eat, I had lost nearly fifteen pounds while in the hospital and during my recovery (though not due to the lock of Daniel trying).
…Eat…
I barely heard the whisper but a shiver went down my spine and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I looked around but of course I was alone. I knew I heard the whisper, though barely, but it was there.
It wasn’t the first time I’d heard it. During my recovery I often heard little whispers. At first I thought it was Daniel trying to make me laugh but he just looked at me oddly when I mentioned it. After he suggested taking me back to the hospital I didn’t mention it again. The whispers were never anything life altering, they weren’t the secrets to the universe… just simple things like the reminder to eat.
Another chill caused me to shiver again I turned the air up so it would cut off. The chills would not leave me alone until I did what the whisper said, so I fixed a sandwich. Before I knew it, I had eaten the whole sandwich and a snack bag of chips. I guess I was more hungry than I thought.
October.
I was slowly getting better. I still missed Zack like crazy, especially at night when I was laying in bed alone. The smell of his cologne on his pillow was starting to fade. I was tempted to spray a bit on the fabric, but when I was standing there holding the bottle ready… I had heard another of those whispers.
…No… it said.
Maybe I was crazy for listening to the whispers. I don’t know. I just know it has always been right. I put the bottle of Zack’s cologne back in the spot where he always kept it.
I shifted the two brown paper bags full of groceries in my arms as I left the store. I stopped the home delivery three weeks before, after much prodding from Daniel over the phone. I actually liked getting out and doing these little things. It was also an easy way to ignore the phone calls from my editor. I still hadn’t had any inspiration. I wasn’t as bothered by this as my editor. Honestly I don’t care if I ever write again.
…Lair…
I pulled my jacket closer at the chill that came with the whispered word. “I am not a liar!” I mumbled. Shit…I was answering the voice. Maybe I was going crazy.
…No…
I swear it sounded amused. I shook my head as I dug in my pocket for my keys. I just stepped off the sidewalk to cross the street when a strong tug on the back of my jacket made me stumble backward and fall on my butt still clutching my grocery bags. “What the hell?!” I exclaimed. Just then a truck roared past not taking any heed of the stop sign. I stared at the spot in the middle of the crosswalk where I would have been if I hadn’t been pulled back. I would have been hit by that truck.
“Hey! Andrew, are you okay, dude?”
I looked up and saw Corey, my neighbor from two doors down. He was looking at me with concern. Corey was the one who always checked on me if he didn’t see me for a couple of days. Then I realized Corey was still waiting for an answer.
“Uh, yeah, I’m fine. Were you the one who pulled me back?”
Corey offered me a hand up and I took it. “No dude, I was just walking up the walk when I saw you stumble back. That was a lucky stumble too, that truck wasn’t stopping for anything. You sure you’re okay?”
I nodded. “Just a little sore where I landed. Thanks Corey.”
“No problem. Oh dude! We’re having a heated game of poker Friday night! You in?” He questioned excitedly.
Zack and I had always gone to Corey’s poker nights. I hadn’t been since… “Yeah,” I answered with a smile. “I’m in. Your place?”
“Yup! Well I gotta go. See ya then, if not before.”
“See ya.” I watched him walk away, his head bobbing to a beat only he could hear. I smiled and shook my head. Corey was and always would be a character.
Halloween.
This sucked. I mean s-u-c-k-e-d. Even before I met Zack I didn’t see myself alone at 32. But here I was, alone romantically and physically on our anniversary for the first time since Zack’s death. I had been doing really good. I didn’t think it would be this hard.
Just as I wiped my eyes and blew my nose a knock came at the door. I glared at the door and thought about ignoring it. It wasn’t Corey; he had already been by and invited me to a Halloween party. There was only one person I wanted to see and that wasn’t going to happen. The knock on came again.
…Answer it…
I wanted to tell the voice to mind its own business but maybe this was its business. With a sigh I got to my feet and went to the door. I checked the peep hole and had to do a double take before I pulled the door open and threw myself into Daniel’s arms. I sobbed into his shoulder as he hugged me back and stroked my hair.
“W-Wh-What are y-you doing h-here?” I blubbered once I could pull away.
Daniel smiled at me. “I thought you could use a friend tonight.”
I shook my head as I smiled, more tears falling though this time from happiness. How did he do it? “Have I told you that you’re the best brother ever?”
Daniel held up a finger. “Hold that for when you see what I brought you.”
I wiped my tears away and looked at him curiously. “You brought me something?”
He bent and picked up a box that had holes and a bow wrapped around it. “Call it an anniversary present. Zack and I talked about this a couple of times. I didn’t think you needed it before but now you do.”
Now I was really curious. I stepped back to let him in, grabbing the other bag sitting outside once he was in. I followed Daniel to the living room where he set the present on the coffee table. When Daniel stepped back and the box moved on its own I looked at him.
“Open it,” he urged.
I sat on the couch and put my hands on the box. It was shaking, or rather wiggling. I knew in the back of my mind that it had to be an animal of some sort. When I untied the ribbon and pulled the box lid off and a puppy with the biggest brown eyes I had ever seen popped up, I was still surprised. I was also instantly in love. Zack and I often talked about getting a dog or even a cat, but it never worked out.
The puppy, besides its big brown eyes, was white with light caramel markings over most of its face and a spot on its back. It propped its front paws up on the edge of the box, tail wagging. The box started to tip over but I grabbed the puppy and cradled it to my chest. I chuckled as it immediately started to lick my chin.
“She’s a pocket beagle, around twelve weeks old, already fixed and had her shot but not completely house broken yet,” Daniel said as he watched us with a smile.
“Does she have a name?”
“That honor is all yours little brother.”
I adjusted my grip on the puppy and held her up. She wiggled and licked my nose causing me to smile. “Lily.” The puppy barked and licked my nose again. “I think we have a winner.”
“Lily,” Daniel tested. “A beautiful name for a beautiful pup.”
I brought Lily back to my chest, scratching her behind the ears. “She’ll be an okay apartment dog?”
“She’ll be a little energetic but two walks a day and playing with her will be fine.”
“Good. I love her Danny, thank you.”
“Anything for my little bro. Tomorrow we’ll go out and get everything she needs. The breeder sent a couple of extra puppy pads until you get her trained,” Daniel explained.
“How long are you staying?” I asked, setting Lily down so she could explore her new home.
“Just the weekend. I have to be back for work on Monday,” Daniel answered.
“Are you hungry?”
“Starving.”
“Spaghetti?”
“Spaghetti.” Lily barked her agreement and we laughed.
That night I marveled at the feeling of Lily’s warm little body curled up against mine. Her heart beat so quickly but there was a certain comfort in it. For the first time in months I fell asleep smiling.
December.
“Honey, I really wish you would reconsider. I know since you moved to Denver you haven’t actually spent Christmas with the family… but things are different this year.”
I listened to my mother go on for the hundredth time about how I should fly out sooner this year. Since getting our apartment in Denver, Zack and I always spent Christmas there and then flew to Portland (weather permitting) to spend three weeks with our families. Our time at home during the holidays was spent doing hours of community service. It was something I didn’t want to… and couldn’t, change this year.
“No mom. Lily and I are going to put up the tree and other decorations tonight. Tomorrow we’re going to visit kids at the hospital, and tomorrow night I’m going caroling with some friends. Christmas Eve is reserved for delivering Angel Tree gifts during the day and serving Christmas dinner to the homeless at night. On Christmas Day I’m going to church.”
She knew all of this, it was the same every year but she never failed to try and change it. Of course this year there was going to be one minor change but I already decided not to tell her about that. She would only worry more than she already was.
She sighed heavily, knowing she wasn’t going to change my mind. “Alright… but if you change your mind…”
I smiled in spite of myself. “I know mom. I love you.”
“I love you too Andrew.”
Christmas Day.
The moment Lily saw me pick up my keys she scrambled to her feet and came padding up to me with her leash in her mouth, tail wagging. I smiled and knelt down, scratching her behind the ears. My little puppy had grown so much in the past two months. I took the leash from her and put it on the table.
“No walk right now girl. We’ll go when I get back, okay?” Lily whined and tipped her head to the side. I could almost hear her asking if I was okay. “I’m fine Lils, this is just something I need to do by myself. I’ll take you soon.” Standing straight I checked my jacket pocket. Zack’s letter, still unopened, was smooth against my fingers. “I’ll be back in about an hour. Sit. Stay.”
Lily sat back on her hunches her brown eyes boring into my own. Some people may think it’s stupid to talk to a dog like they can understand you. But I believed that Lily really did understand me. I patted her head once more before leaving and locking the door. As the lock slid home I could hear her whining on the other side. The sound broke my heart but this was something I needed to do alone.
The bell over the door jingled lightly as I entered the store. The strong smell of flowers met my nose and I sniffed the urge to sneeze away. I brushed the snow off my shoulders as I walked to the counter in the back. An older man with kind eyes came out of the back room.
“Ah, Mr. Moss! I have your order all ready. Do you need a card or anything?” He questioned going to a refrigerated storage rack to get my order. Zack and I had often come to this shop in the past to order flowers for various occasions for the women in our lives.
“No, sir. How much do I owe you?” I asked, taking out my wallet. The older man returned with the wreath of white lilies. I just stood there for a moment as he laid it on the counter in front of me. It was beautiful… I reached out and ran my fingers along one of the petals. Then I realized that I had been so enraptured by the beauty of the wreath that I hadn’t heard the older man’s reply. “I’m sorry?”
He gave me a sad sort of smile. “Eighty even.”
I handed him the money and picked up the wreath. “Thank you.”
“Please come again.” I nodded and started to walk away. “Mr. Moss.” I turned, thinking maybe I had forgotten something, though I wasn’t sure what that would be. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Now it was my turn to smile sadly. “So am I.”
The gate that separated the cemetery from the street gave a high squeak as I pushed it open and closed it behind me. I looked around as the snow fell lightly around me, only adding more to the five inches that was already on the ground. The moon occasionally shone through the clouds, giving everything a sort of surreal look… a true winter wonderland.
I glanced around the graveyard. I wasn’t exactly sure where to go. It was the first time I had stepped foot on the grounds. Zack’s funeral was ten months before… I was in the hospital and after that… I just couldn’t bring myself to come. I hadn’t been ready to really say goodbye.
I still wasn’t completely ready but somehow it felt right. And as I’ve said, it’s something I needed to do. I switched the hand holding the wreath as I looked around. There wasn’t a sign or anything to tell me where to go.
…Right…
I jumped. It had been a few weeks since I last heard the voice. I couldn’t distinguish the shiver that usually came with it but I knew it was there. Taking a deep breath I walked up the initial path and made a right, following the voice’s directions.
…Left…
I kept walking, nearly slipping a couple of times. Someone had been here, recently, and put salt on the sidewalks but it was still slick. I passed a fresh grave and paused for a moment, silently mourning for the family who lost someone so close to Christmas. At least I had had nearly a year to prepare myself for this.
…Ahead and to the right…
I moved past the fresh grave to follow this new instruction. I somehow knew that the voice was leading me to Zack’s grave. That was a good thing because Daniel never told me where it was. He offered to take me, more than once, but it just wasn’t time. I looked down to watch where I was stepping and then…the sidewalk just ended.
I looked up and found myself surrounded by five tombstones. On my left; Cage and Lane. On my right; Collins and Ellis. And in the middle… Moss. My eyes instantly filled with tears. “Zack…”
B. 2/26/1977
D. 1/20/2010
Beloved friend, loving husband
On the right side of the black stone my name and the places for my birth and death date were there. Two rings interlinked in the middle of our names. My eyes widened and tears fell. Daniel had gotten a stone for the both of us. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to punch my brother or kiss him.
…Kiss…
I choked out a sob, smiling in spite of myself. The voice was right. The next time I saw my brother I would kiss him, and probably cry. Doing my best to gather my composure I propped the wreath of white lilies against the tombstone. I turned it until I was satisfied with its positioning. Standing straight I stared at the grave, my hand going into my pocket, gloves brushing against the envelope of Zack’s letter.
I sighed. “No use putting it off any longer…” Taking the letter out of my pocket I slowly ran my finger along the seam, tearing it open. Pulling the folded paper out, I slid the envelope back into my pocket. I took a deep breath and unfolded the letter. I hadn’t realized until then but my hands were shaking.
Hey Baby,
Yeah… real romantic way to start a letter I know. Let me try again!
As we grow older together, as we continue to change with age, there is one thing that will never change. . . I will always keep falling in love with you.
I read that recently and it made me think of you. Honestly, I knew I loved you the moment I stepped into Mr. Lane’s eighth grade English class and saw your face. You were so adorable with your messy brown hair hanging in your blue eyes, and your glasses! You looked like a mini version of that wizard kid that is so popular now.
I spent months, years hoping you felt the same. But you were so shy, always buried in those stories you wrote. You would barely give me the time of day! And then that Halloween party in our junior year came. I guess being behind a mask made you braver. Boy did you look cute under that Carnivalé mask! I wouldn’t have known it was you except for those blue eyes. You have the most beautiful blue eyes, but I’ve told you that before.
That quote’s true, you know. Everyday that we spend together I find myself falling in love with you all over again. I never want to picture my life without you. I hope you never have to live without me either. I think that would hurt you as much as losing you would me.
Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and I just lay there and watch you sleep. I think about how lucky I am to have you in my life, how God must have been listening to my prayers for someone like you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Uh-oh, you just walked in the door from getting the mail. You’re looking to see if you got a letter about your new book from the publishing company so you haven’t seen me writing this yet. I’m not much of a writer, that’s your area. I capture beauty on film and digitally. But I had to write this out just so you would know. Consider this a late Christmas present since you should get it after we get back from the cabin.
Love always.
Zack
P/S: I know you hate having your picture taken but sometimes I just can’t resist. In the very back of the first file cabinet of my photography, second drawer, there is a file labeled ‘Time’. It’s my file of all the pictures I’ve taken of you.
I can barely read the words by the time I’ve finished reading the letter. Tears are falling from my eyes and snot from my nose. I sobbed and sniffled, trying to compose myself but not doing a good job of it. Why had Zack written me this? This was the sort of letter someone wrote when they knew they were going to die, Zack hadn’t… couldn’t have known. But Zack was always one to be prepared for anything and he had always been a romantic.
“Damnit Zack!” I exclaimed going to my knees in the snow. “Why did you have to be such a fucking romantic! Why did you have to die?! Why did you have to leave me! I don’t want to be alone…”
…Not alone…
I choked on my tears and wiped my nose on my glove. The whisper was more clear this time. It sounded like… but it couldn’t be… “…Zack?”
Nothing answered me but the wind and snow swirling around me. I wasn’t crazy. Sure I had been hearing this voice for months now and sometimes I talked back to it… and I talked to my dog like she was a person… but I was not crazy! That had been Zack’s voice. I had been able to hear it perfectly that time.
What did he mean that I wasn’t alone? Was he really there with me? I looked around wildly, expecting to see him but I was the only live soul in the cemetery. I thought back to the other whispers I had heard. To the time something… or someone had saved me from being hit by that truck. Lily often seemed like she was looking at something in the apartment, she would bark and wag her tail at nothing, but never growl. “Was that you Zack?” I whispered. “Are you helping me to…” My throat tightened at the next words. “…to get over you?”
Silence was my only answer.
I breathed deep as I was pulled out of sleep by a heavy but comforting weight being laid over me. I blinked a couple of times at the back of the couch and then glanced down. The blanket that had been lying at the end of the couch was draped over me. I turned slightly, my eyebrows knitting in confusion.
“Lily?” I asked quietly. I heard her tail thump against the arm of couch at my feet but knew she couldn’t have unfolded and spread the blanket over me. Had I done it in my sleep? I saw something, or at least I thought I did out the corner of my eye. Turning a bit more I blinked blurrily at the lit Christmas tree and everything in between.
Zack, at least what looked like a faint outline of him, sat on the coffee table watching me. I think he smiled at me. I know I smiled back as he faded and I snuggled back under the blanket.
“Merry Christmas Zack.” I whispered as sleep claimed me again and I know, wherever he is, Zack heard me.
A/N: I've been told that this comes across as... creepy. I assure you, that was not my intent when I came up with and started writing this idea. Personally, I don't find it creepy. One of the biggest things that strikes me when we lose a loved one is how we want to know that they are okay and vice versa. Hopefully this takes away from the creeper factor.
